Hanging in there!

Sadie is still hanging in there! :) I came across this sweet poem (from a dog!)  today, figured I would share!

Treat me gently beloved master, and I will love you with a full and happy heart.

 

Show me patience and I will learn to understand your every word and action.

I will even protect you with my life if yours is at any time in danger.

Speak to me often, for your voice is music to my ears and I await even the simple sound of your footsteps, knowing soon you will be near.

Shelter me from nature's bitter cold and wet and I in return will warm your feet beside the hearth. Or, if life should be unkind, I will find a place of comfort for us both, for your pleasure is my dearest wish.

Play with me, for I seek your challenge just as I seek to please you. 

I will follow a thrown ball to the ends of the earth if you choose it and I will swim the seven seas just to see you smile.

Fill my bowl with fresh water and see that I'm well fed, for I cannot speak to ask you and am completely at your mercy. But my trust in you is so complete, I know you will never do me wrong.

And beloved master, when I grow old and the time comes to say farewell, hold me gently in your arms and I will go without a whimper. 

For with you I am safe and secure.

-A dog who gave love and received it with a grateful heart.

Time is ticking...

August...just under 6 month's since Sadie's diagnosis.  I've noticed some changes in her over the last couple of days.  Loss of appetite. heavier panting, acting like she is thirsty but not drinking, and tonight, I honestly think her belly is just a bit more full looking.  All signs that "not-so-good" things are happening.  I mentioned these concerns to Steve today, and of course Samuel overheard.  Mr Big Ears himself. Steve dismissed my concerns, and actually said he thinks I am looking for things to be wrong with her.  What could be worse?  She is dying of Cancer, hello!  I think it is because I spend more time with her, I can see changes, where as if I didn't tell Steve I got a haircut today, he would have never noticed.

Sam cried on the way to bed tonight.  He is sad, and worried about Sadie.  I brought him back down, and we had a small chat.  I told him that we do know that someday, Sadie is going to die.  We know it is coming, and it's ok to be sad, it's ok to worry.  We just can't let this worry overtake us.  We can't go to bed everynight worried that Sadie is going to die.  We need to love her everyday, as if we may not see her tomorrow, and if we do, then lucky us!  Everyday is a gift.  Sam cried some more, then wiped his tears, kissed his dog, and went to bed.  I didn't shed a tear.  I felt bad afterwards, because I don't want Sam to think that I don't care.  I just feel very detached, I am coping by being strong for my kids.  If I am a wreck, then they will be.  Do you tell your kids you love them everyday?  DO y ou tell your family pet?  I do.  I came up to bed just a few minutes ago, and noticed that Sadie was laying on the bare floor at the foot of my bed, so I went to the dryer and got her freshly laundered bed out, and spread it out for her.  It took her a minute, but she got up so she could move over and lay on it.  I bent down, looked her right in the face and said," I wish  you could tell me if it's time". She leaned into me, and nuzzled the side of my face.  Now I cry.

The Love Affair...

I am starting to think that my "final days" are going to come before Sadie's are! She is hanging in there, surviving the heat we have just endure!

The last couple of days I have been a bit emotional.  It really has nothing to do with Sadie being sick, just every day life gets overwhelming at times.  When I am stressed, or sad, or angry, there is always one "person" I can turn to.  One "person" who no matter what, isn't looking for me to do their laundry, make them food, tie their shoes, dive them here, there and everywhere.  One "person" who is looking for nothing more than my attention.  My Love.  That's Sadie.  She is always here to greet me with a happy face, a smile even.  Her wagging stubby bum.  It's like she knows.  There is something to be said about the love affair between a dog and it's "master".  It doesn't falter.  I am coming to realize in my days of being so frustrated with my duties as Sadie's "master", that the frustration isn't worth the energy I am expelling being frustrated.  I know my dog doesn't want to pee on my floor.  In fact, I would guess if she could express how she feels, she would tell me she is humiliated.  Imagine if we were all capable of the unconditional love that a dog gives us. I would bet the world would be a better place if so!

" He is your friend, your partner, 

your defender, your dog.  

You are his life, his love, his leader. He will

be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat

of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of

such devotion." Author Unknown

I owe it to my dog in the days, weeks, months to come, to be a better master.  Time to stop sweating the little things, and keep on living while we still can!

Been a while!

Happy Summer!  It's been a while since I last posted!  Sadie is still hanging in there!  We are still not treating her tumors, and she is still having good and not great days!  She's been feeling so good lately, she had the nerve to try and steal food right from my plate while I was sitting there..never bit the hand that feeds you!..(or cleans up after you, or wipes your bum!)  :)

Quality of life...

Ultra sound done.  Overall, Sadie is doing good.  Her original tumors have grown slightly.  She has lost just a couple of pounds, but her overall healh is pretty good considering.  The vet says she thinks Sadie looks aged, she has grey'd a bit.  She is also looking pale to her - the reason for this, you will understand below.   There is a new, very large mass that without doing surgery, it is hard to tell the location - it is either ON/attached to the front of the spleen itself, or it is in the spleen - the size of it is overwhelming.  There is also a new Mass that appears to be another Visceral Hemangiosarcoma, by the appearance of it, the Dr believes that this mass is drawing blood from Sadie - hence the reason she is looking pale, by pale she means her gums are "faded", not as pink as they should be.  Without removing it, there is no way to tell.  There is a blood test that we could have had done, but again, unless we were doing surgery, there is not a reason for the testing. You may ask,  Why are we not doing surgery?  Many reasons.  First reason : Sadie is very old.  The likelihood that she would survive the surgery is not good.  Second reason : Life span after surgery for all of this cancer, is roughly 2-3 months.  Lastly : it's SO expensive.   We have decided to try a different medication for Sadie's incontinence, as well as a medication to help with her constant pooping problems.

So now what?  This is where difference of opinion between Steve and I, on what or how is Sadie's"quality of life". and our "quality of life".  This is where we struggle with the decision as to what is best for Sadie, and what is best for us.  I really can't get into where we are with it right now, because Steven and I are just not on the same page right now. 

Big Ultra Sound in the Morning!

I had the pleasure of babysitting my angelic nephew tonight, while he slept for two hours (hard work!), and his parents could slip away for a dinner out.  During this time, I sat with the TV on, but did a lot of thinking.  All the scenarios of how tomorrows ultra sound could go.  What the doctor could or couldn't have to tell us, and where we go on after tomorrow.  I got to feeling really guilty about how I have been lately.  Yes, I have been frustrated, yes, I am sick and tired of being the only person around here that can seem to clean up after our sick dog, yes, I feel resentment toward Sadie - A lot of it sometimes!  I know it's not her fault she is how she is.  I know - in my gut I know, just by looking at her over the last couple of days, that she does not want to be this way.  She just wants to be loved.  She just wants the same old attention she has gotten always. 

When I got home, I took Sadie's bed out of the dryer, (I have to wash it daily now), and I set it at the bottom of my bed.  I tried my hardest not to think about how most likely - no, most definitely , it will be soaked with urine in the morning.  So what.  At least my dog will sleep where she wants to tonight..  So what if she pees all over the place.  So what - it's not going to last forever!

With our crazy hectic lives, with school, and work, soccer, baseball, softball - we don't have time for a tragedy in our lives right now.  Don't you wish we had a say?  Don't you wish that was the way it worked?  "Nope , sorry doc, we need more time".. if it were only that easy. 

Till tomorrow, hold those you love close...think good thoughts, and keep us in your prayers.  (we need them!)

Sadie has a vet appointment ...

on Thursday at 9am, with HER vet, the one I like! :)

One Month and counting...

since my very last blog....I feel like every blog I read lately, the "Blogger" does nothing but apologize for not blogging more often.  I could do the same, but I won't.  My life is far to busy, and I can't bore you with the everyday things that happen.  I am still cleaning up dog pee all the time, so nothing has changed! :) 

Today is a frustrating day for me.  I finally didn't give Steve an option.  I told him we ARE taking Sadie back to the vet this week,  I'll do it myself if I have to.  He let me know his available days, only so I can call the vet and get the run around.  What is wrong with people, can they not look up a file while talking to you, and at least let you know they are acknowledging your call?  Yes, Sadie has been there before.  Yes, Sadie has had an ultrasound there before.  No, I do not want to be referred out, I am SUPPOSED to follow up with Dr. Chaves.  I am positive she does the U/S there...please, look in your damn file! Of course, I have to call Steve and tell him os such run-around, and his first thing out of his mouth. "Forget it, we'll take her someplace else!"..No, we won't.  I have them calling the Dr who treated Sadie, I don't care if she is "off", so she can tell them herself that she will see her again.  But now I wait for a call back.  I have zero patience.  I hate waiting!

Sadie gave the the look this morning.  The "I am so exhausted, and I don't feel good" look.  Much like a mother of her own children, I know my pup isn't feeling good.  It's in my gut. Steve doesn't believe me that there is such a thing.  I am pretty sure he thinks I look for these things.  At first I did. Every little thing made me think "this is it, she is done"..but as the weeks passed, I stopped looking.  I wasn't looking today, it was if she sough me out.  Met my eyes with her big sad eyes.   So now we wait, wait for the phone call back, and wait for an appointment!

Even after all these months of complaining, I am not ready to loose my pup! <3

Same old song and dance....

Some time has passed, and nothing really new to report on the Sadie front.  She still looks great, is eating her very expensive dog food - looks like she may have even put on a couple of pounds, and she  is still unconsciously peeing all over my house! (insert my distressed face here!)  It has gotten to the point where I am no longer allowing Sadie onto the carpet in the living room, and not letting her upstairs anymore.  I have shampooed my carpets more than my own head in the last month!  At least if she is one restricted area, mopping one floor, and washing her bed everyday isn't as bad as mopping every floor.  It's making me very sad to have to do this - what kind of quality of life is it when you are restricted to one area?  BUT - the way I see it,  what about my quality of life?  I mean this mentally of course, as I know my quality of life otherwise is great.  I am beginning to resent my dog, and resent my family members when it comes to the dog.  Everything that comes with taking care of Sadie, falls on my shoulders, and I keep on doing it - but at times it is begrudgingly.

I am hoping to get Sadie back to the vet for a check up, and hoping to convince Steve that we should have another ultra sound.  IF all else fails, I am hoping to get Sadie a prescription that will hopefully help, and at least lessen the amount of urine that is leaking out of her.

groundhog day...

Much of the same here. Nothing new to report.  Sadie has her good days and bad days, as do I! :)   Sadie has been walking with a limp the last couple of days, favoring her right front paw - it could have to do with her busting out of the front door and visiting the neighbors a couple of times in the last week, running as if she is a puppy again, only to pay for it when we finally catch up to her. :)

No new appointment has been made to bring Sadie to the Vet for a follow up ultra sound to check the size of her tumors.  Steve and I are just not in agreement as to where we will go once we know anything more, so it just makes the days of  ME  dealing with all that comes with a sick dog, long and frustrating!  Thank God I love my dog (and husband!), and I remind myself of that every single day!

I am sure you are all as ready as I am for Spring to FINALLY get here!

Be Well! <3

Month 2

We are into our second month now, since Sadie's diagnosis.  Steve is feeling more and more hopeful.  Though I am happy for this time, I am also worried about false hope for my children.

Sadie has put on some weight it seems, just by the looks of her.  I am hoping that it is a good thing, and nothing more, or nothing new is going on inside of her.  One more reason I am trying to convince Steve that another ultra sound is indeed a good thing!

Spring is upon us, let's hope we can all get outside and enjoy it soon!

Be good to each other, and  your pups! :)

Must be doing something right!

Last night I overheard my girls when they were laying on the floor with Sadie, talking to her and saying the following : " Did you see home many people came to see you today, all those people love you!  They came to your party!"   Same exact thing I say to my kids after a celebration in their honor. "Everyone that was here LOVES you"! 

Thanks again for loving our pup! :)

Sadie had the Happiest of Birthday's!

Today was a reminder to me, when looking a death in the face, celebrate the time you have!  Don't dread what is to come, celebrate what you have NOW!   Make every last single moment you have with "someone"  - special!

Some of our closest friends and family attended the small birthday party we had for Sadie today, the best part was it was like Sadie knew she was the hostess.  She greeted almost every single guest at the door, with a smile and her party hat!

Thank you to everyone who attended today, and for all your love and support!

Here are some of my favorite photo's from the day!

Happy Birthday to Sadie!

I have to apologize for not posting a blog post in a short while.  I haven't been in the best of places mentally lately for any doggie news.  I have been dealing with dog pee, and food issues the last few weeks, and had I posted, it most likely would have been me complaining about it all. 

That said, today is Sadie's 10th Birthday!  The kids are very excited!  They have headed off to the pet store for a present and a special treat for Sadie as I sit here and type.  We have some good friends and family coming over for some food, drinks and cheer to celebrate this day! :) 

Thank you everyone for your continued support, and love.  Asking me how Sadie is, and how things are going at home, though it doesn't really seem like a lot, it's nice to know that people think of us, and care enough to ask!

So Happy Birthday to Sadie, let's hope we can continue to make her last days as happy as possible!

At Odds....

I have spent the last few days realizing that what I call "the honeymoon" is over.   I have shed some tears, and finally felt like I could come here to "talk". Sadie was feeling great, eating every day, being a good patient and taking her medications, she has been up and moving like she doesn't have a pain in the world. The good days.  Over this past weekend I have seen some signs that tell me that she isn't at her best right now.  Loss of appetite, laziness, problems going to the bathroom, stiffness in her legs, outright spitting out her medication.  Like a defiant child really.  Then again, she has those moments where she is spunky and playing, like a pup again. 

I am coming to realize that Steve and I have very different views on how we are going to deal with things for Sadie.  I want to keep it real.  I want, no, I need to know what is happening, how she is doing, how her tumors are progressing, etc.  I need to prepare my children for the day that comes when Sadie isn't with us anymore.  Steve may get a little upset to know I am sharing this with "the public", but again, this is a way for me to "cope".   Steve doesn't want to admit that Sadie is sick.  He is in complete denial, and thinks that she is just as good as ever.  She's not!   We have argued about the next step, which is taking Sadie to the vet for another ultrasound, to measure her tumors and see if the growth is rapid or slow.  To see if there are any internal bleeds, etc.  I feel the need to know this.  Steve does not want to know.   Steve does not want me to make it seem like Sadie is on her death bed, nor does he want to admit that this just may be Sadie's last "birthday" with us.  We are at odds, and it sucks!  :(

Thank you!

I have found myself feeling almost guilty in the last few days.  Dealing with the fact that Sadie is sick, and not going to get better, dealing with the fact that she is probably not going to live as long as we have hoped, has started to become easier for me to talk about.  I no longer break down into tears, I no longer find myself constantly thinking about it.  I feel bad for that. 

I wanted to thank the countless people who have inquired about Sadie, expressed their love, and who have just gone out of their way to let me know that you care about me, and my family.  It warms my heart in a way that you really do not know!

Next on our agenda - we are planning a party!  Sadie turns 10 on the 20th of this month, and what better way to celebrate our beautiful dog's life?  Have a party!  Parties help everything, they bring friends and families together to celebrate the past, present and future!  This will be a people only party, though nothing would delight my kids more than to have a bunch of dogs in party hats running around.  This will be a gathering of our closest friends and family, to help us deal with what is to come, and to celebrate the 10th year of life of our wonderful girl Sadie!  :) <3

"tummy , tummy, ru-ubs.."

This is the morning song of my children, "Tummy, tummy, ru-ubs, tummy, tummy ru-ubs.."   Sadie enjoys both the rubs, and the entertainment! <3

Ride the wave....

It's been a long week around here.  Almost a week since we found out about Sadie's tumors.  Only a week?  Yes - Really!  I have very mixed emotions lately. I feel like I get swept up in every day life - well, pretty much every day! I feel like I am riding this wave.  For example, last night after dinner.  We are sitting in the living room, (Me, Steve, Samuel, Isabella, Grace and Sadie).  Steve and Samuel start playing tug-of-war with Sadie, everyone is laughing, Sadie is playing..looking like a puppy, really.  We are all enjoying the time we have with her, but then I sit., and think, that wave comes crashing down on me.  I think about how we might not have many of these nights left.  Then I look at the kids, and even Steve, and know it's not the first thing on their mind.  At times, I feel like I need to remind them.  I want everyone here to go on with life, but at the same time, I don't want them to forget, even for a second, that every moment could be our last one - with Sadie.  I am letting you all into my head, because mostly, this is my way of dealing with this.  Letting you know how I feel, and at the same time, letting you know how Sadie is doing.  It's a way of coping really, because otherwise I know Steve doesn't want to sit down everyday and discuss this stuff.  For what it is worth, I AM coping, and I know Steve is in denial.  Perfectly ok - for right now. 

Part of me feels ridiculous for keeping this blog.  I mentioned to a few of my friends that I am sure people will get sick of reading.  . I'm really not trying to be a downer, I am not trying to make everything "all about my dog".  But part of my life right now, is "all about my dog".  If you can't understand that, then maybe you shouldn't be here, reading any of this.

Sadie seems to be doing very well.  I can see a difference in her since she has been put on her medication.   She has taken on almost a puppy look to me.  She has that sleek, shiny look to her again.  With the exception of her grey/white whiskers, she really looks like she did when she was younger.  She is becoming  more personable again, wants the attention, wants to play. This could change on any given day.  We have yet to have a "bad day" since Sadie's diagnosis.   I'll keep riding this wave, and take every good day that we can!
 <3



"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

Weekend's end....

Two great days for Sadie!  What more could we ask for!  :) 

Routine changes....

This morning I was thinking about how I can't wait for the kids to go back to school in a few days.  Back in routine, so they aren't wondering everyday , "what's going to happen to Sadie today."..dare I say, back to the more important stuff, like schoolwork, social time with their friends?  I can say it, because that is important.  I am also so grateful that this week we have been home, and able to monitor Sadie, and just spend time with her.  In a couple of days though, the kids will be back to their regular routine, with just a little more worry on their mind.  My routine however, has changed a lot in the last week.  I wake everyday at 5:45 am, I usually lounge in bed for a few minutes, and then hop in the shower, go down, make coffee and watch some morning news before I wake the kids at 7am to get ready for school.  This week, I wake at 5:45 am, I notice whether Sadie has made it upstairs through the night, (which she hasn't yet again), and then I head down the stairs to check on her.  In those 4-5 seconds it takes me to go down, SO MUCH, minutes worth of thoughts, go through my head.  Something like, "Please God, let her be ok.  I am so glad I am up before the kids, because what if she is not ok.  What am I going to do if I go down these stairs, and I find Sadie not ok!  What if she is dead?"...my heart races, much like this morning, and then I find her, today, she is sleeping on the SOFA!  I would rather sleep on the sofa than the hardwood floor too.  A week ago, I would have yelled at her, and told her she knows she isn't supposed to be on the sofa, this morning, it was like this.."There you are!  I hope you are comfortable, even though you know you aren't supposed to be up there!"  and I let her stay, I made coffee, and came back up for my shower.  Later this morning I will go to work, and then instead of going about my normal Friday, where I would have lunch with my girlfriends before heading to get kids at school, I will come home, to check on Sadie.   It's been this way all week,  Those other things are a lot less important.  So while I will do my best to keep things as routine as possible for my kids, my routine will change. 

We've had Sadie since she was 8 weeks old.  Steve and I took the Friday before Memorial Day off, back in 2001, and we took a ride up to a breeder's farm to check her out, and talk about possibly adopting a dog from her.  We got there, walked around the facility, and stumbled upon a litter of pups in a supergate, so like a gated play yard.  They were the most beautiful little puppies, with their over sized paws, and their little brown noses.  One pup just gravitated to us, dark mahogany face, paws way too big for her tiny body, of course you know it was Sadie.  We lifted her out, and Steve held her.  I knew he wanted one of these dogs so bad, but we had just come to look, not take a dog home that day.  I had reminded him over and over while we were there!  I took her from him, held her like a baby, and I was in smitten!  I said, "we can get her if you want!"..He was like, "What!"  :)  Sadie was named after her "aunt" Sadie, that also lived on this farm.   I thought it was a great name for a dog.  We took Sadie home that day.  It was about an hour and a half drive.  We were heading right to Petco, to get some new pup supplies.  About 20 minutes before we reached our destination, I took over driving so that Steve could cuddle the pup.  We got to Petco, and Sadie was laying on Steve's chest before we got out of the car.  She looked up at him, and the next thing we knew, she had vomited ALL down the front of Steve!  If you knew Steve back in the day, you knew that he was the kind of guy who didn't do well with "getting dirty"..No sticky hands, no dirty clothes, no vomit!  HA!  He was like, "here take the dog!" and he shimmied out of his sweatshirt.  For me, it was hysterical, and it was also the moment I fell in Love with Sadie! :)   

I tell you all of this, because for me, Sadie is more than just my dog.  I know people understand who have pets, that your pet becomes more than just that.  She is like my child.  She has been here longer than most of my children.  I have raised her, taken care of her when she was sick.  I have given her all the love I could over the years.  Dealing with the fact that she is dying, is killing me inside.  I put on a brave face for my kids, even for Steve.   Maybe it's because it is so new, but I think about it all the time.  How I am going to deal with it, how will the kids be, how will Steve be?  When, where, how?   It's exhausting being helpless. I know that all I can do, is what I am doing.  I can  - love my family, love my dog, and deal with each day as it comes.  Pray for a good day, pray on a bad day.  Today, is a good day.  Sadie is here, comphy on the sofa, it's all I can ask for!  <3

It's a Sadie Sleepover!

<3<3<3

Sadie's "tummy wiffle"

Here is a picture of Sadie this afternoon, sporting her "Tummy wiffle" as the kids call it. They say her tummy feels like Sam's head after a summer haircut! :)

She made her way to the second floor today while I was at work, hence the old bathmats she is laying on, because we had moved her bed to the first floor living room! :)

Morning tummy rubs!

Morning thoughts!

Today was the second day that Sadie didn't come up to our bedroom to sleep all night. A week ago that meant nothing to me, today, it's a sign to me that she is definitely not herself. I went downstairs to make a quick cup of coffee, and found Sadie curled up in the corner, between the coffee table and the sofa. She barely lifted her head to greet me. We had a little talk, and then I went and warmed her breakfast a little to take the chill off. The minute I put it in her bowl, she was up and at it, ready to eat. A good sign for sure!

I wanted to let you know that I had a very big conversation with my young children yesterday afternoon. Shortly after Steve left for work, Samuel came to me and asked, "Mom, is Sadie going to die?" I was fully prepared for this, so I sat all three of them down, and explained to them that yes, Sadie was going to die, but we just aren't sure when. It could be a "long time" from now, it could be much sooner than that. Our job right now, as a family is to love her, keep her safe and happy until we have to deal with that. Of course there were many tears, and few questions. Grace said to me, "I wanted to ask you so bad if Sadie was going to die, but I was too afraid!"..I don't know if she was afraid of how I would react, or afraid of the answer. To end, after the conversation, Isabella said to Samuel and Grace, as they sat at the kitchen table, and made little "We love you Sadie!" posters, "We are really lucky that we get to still have Sadie!" So true, we are blessed to have these last days with Sadie. <3

Sadie

Most of you who know Sadie, know that she is the biggest ham sandwich going! She's loving, and caring, never the aggressor! Here are some pictures of her cuddled up with the kids, her favorite place to be! <3

Heartbroken....

Today was a very sad day for Steve and I. After a weekend full of Sadie being violently ill, a trip to the ER, we took Sadie to her vet today to have an abdominal ultrasound done, because the Radiologist had found a mass on her spleen. Sadie was such a good patient today, she had her entire abdomen shaved, and was lifted by Steve and Dave who works at the vet, without even batting an eye. So calm, and just accepting of the things yet to come. After several minutes of "ultra-sounding" and much to our horror, the Vet informed us there were several tumors on Sadie's spleen, which have also taken over her liver. Her kidney's are also dilated. Sadly, when tumors overtake the liver, there is nothing that can be done. No treatment, no surgery. We took Sadie home on a dose of pain medicine, some Pepcid to control any nausea, and a new diet plan. With orders to keep her comfortable, and happy, and we will know the signs of the bad days, (vomiting, diarrhea, lethargic, etc) - She can still have some good days left in her as well, as pain meds can work wonders, but in reality, we do not know how much longer she has. We are returning to the vet in one month, to re-measure the tumors and see how rapidly they are growing.

Our children are aware of Sadie's illness, they do know she is going to be sick forever, but we have not yet used the term "dying" with them. We will know this is coming, and will prep our kids when that time comes, so please do your best to be sensitive around them, our lives are going to be shook up enough, Steve and I would just like to be the one's to have the say, and deal with this ourselves when the time is right.

I am going to do my best to update this blog, and let you know how our beautiful dog is doing, along with share pictures of her, now, and through the years that we have had her.

Please, if you pray, pray for us, if you don't, please think good thoughts for us over the coming days, weeks, months...